An Open Letter to Billy Ray Cyrus
(originally published on Xanga August 16, 2009)
Dear Mr. Ray Cyrus,
I just want to start by saying that I am a huge fan of your work. I consider Some Gave All to be the absolute greatest record album of the 1990’s (all genres considered). Aside from the Beatles and the Stones, few artists’ work holds up as well as yours. Anyone who’s ever been to the AMF lanes on a Saturday night knows just how wild the crowd gets when they pump “Achy Breaky Heart” just before closing time! Everyone totally drops their balls and the place erupts into a jamboree of line dancing and song! Man, your daughter Miley sure must be proud to have such a superstar like you for a daddy! Not that you’re not equally as proud to have a superstar like her for a daughter (I’m sure she’ll too have a cosmic bowling anthem of her own someday – “Party in the USA” perhaps?).
Ah yes, dear sweet Miley, the real subject of my letter. How hard it must be as a father to hear the media reporting on another scandal involving your nubile teen daughter every other day. First there were the leaked cell phone pictures of her in extra cute (though relatively unrevealing) undies. Then there was the topless Vanity Fair pictorial in which her succulent young breasts were covered only by her top and a bed sheet. Next were those shocking paparazzi photos which captured her wearing a bikini on the beach. And just last week we witnessed her latest act of unrighteousness on the Teen Choice Awards when she performed a striptease (sans the stripping). Every jaw in the house dropped straight to the floor. “Is this even legal?” some wondered.
I must say that I have developed somewhat of a concern over the public’s reaction to these events. At the same time, I am also quite perplexed by it. After all, for most girls her age living outside the Muslim world, none of these episodes would so much as raise an eyebrow. Why then, you may ask, is there such uproar when it’s Miley? I can only speculate but it is clear that Ms. Cyrus is not like her peers, the vast majority of whom are unattractive pigs with bad skin, braces, and may be as much as three to five pounds overweight. Unlike them, Miley is good looking – really, really good looking.
Yes, your daughter has been cursed with the vice known as beauty. Unfortunately, as long as she carries this defect, celebrity bloggers will call her “Slutty Cyrus” every time she puts on heels. Likewise, angry parents will comment with disgust whenever there is a news story suggesting that she is attracted to boys at her tender young age. This can only mean a life of unhappiness and disrespect for the poor girl.
Mr. Ray Cyrus [Billy, if I may] – you must rid your daughter of this evil! As difficult as I know it will be for you to do, you need to fetch a bucket of acid at once and toss it onto Miley. I know it sounds horrible but only by hideously disfiguring her with chemical burns can you save her from the same contempt and derision that pushed fellow Disney star Lindsay Lohan into a life of substance abuse, unemployability, and lesbianism (although the latter might be kind of hot, especially if it involved that Asian chick from the show with the twins).
Yes, it will be tough to hear her horrific screams of “Daddy why?! Why daddy why?!” and it will be even tougher to see her once pretty face transformed into a disfigured mess that would scare off even Sloth from The Goonies. It is necessary, however, and it is the only way she can be the tween idol that all the suburban house mothers expect her to be. Once the stinging tears have evaporated from her raw burned skin and the pain has subsided to a tolerable enough level that it can be controlled by a light narcotic such as Vicodin, I believe you will start to see immediate benefits. Her music will finally be taken seriously as critics start taking note of how she sounds rather than how she looks. Also, you’ll no longer have to worry about the Hannah Montana writers pulling a fast one and introducing a love interest for her, with its implications of French kissing, feel copping, and over the clothes naughty place touching. I mean that would be quite unrealistic given that only rows of blistery tumors remain of her lips, the raw skin on her mammary glands requires a constant air tight wrapping to prevent bacterial infection, and . . . well I’ll spare you the gruesome details of her genitals (eeesh!). Instead, the show can start to focus on more important issues like helping children deal with classmates that might be different and loving the Lord and your daddy even after they’ve allowed caustic anti-alkaline liquids to painfully corrode your flesh. Who knows, she may even be nominated for an Oscar when producers start casting her in more serious roles (e.g., Mask II, The Elephant Girl, The Woman without a Face).
Billy, Mr. Ray Cyrus, won’t you please give Miley the life she deserves. Throw that acid on her face, neck, chest, and lap and make this dream a reality.
Thank you so much for allowing me the opportunity to provide these constructive parenting tips.
Ever truly yours,