Oh What A Night!
(originally published on Xanga September 03, 2009)
So anyway, me droogs and I headed on down to Turner Field in Atlanta this past Saturday night to see the Braves take on the Phillies. The game started about half an hour late due to rain and, unfortunately, we ended up having to leave shortly after it began on account of an altercation with park security and some tardy season ticket holders who didn’t like our seat upgrade. Fortunately, we still had some beers left in the car from the ride down so we chugged some Meister Bräu and took a drive around town. We finally ended up at Atlanta Underground where we found an Irish Pub to watch the rest of the game at while munching on Chicken O’Tenders and doing Jäger shots. We sort of lost track of the game ‘cause of all the commotion going on and being asked to leave on account of an altercation with some big fat goomba and a waitress who couldn’t take a compliment. I heard Sunday morning though that they called the game early when it started to rain again so I guess we didn’t miss much.
Anyway, after leaving there we found ourselves over by Johnny Rockets trading fascinating facts, our favorite past time (next to fucking bitches of course). We covered a range of topics from zoology to U.S. Presidents to quantum physics. Bobby totally blew our minds with his facts about time dilation and relativity. For instance, did you know that if you jumped into a spaceship and traveled at the speed of light for a year then came back you’d be two years older but it’d be 1,300 years later on earth and everyone you ever knew would have been dead for hundreds of years?? Is that fucked-up or what? It’s true though! Scientists have totally proven this shit and everything!
Anyway, just as we were getting into the “how many” questions (e.g., how many beats does the average human heart beat in a lifetime, how many steps are there to the top of the Eiffel Tower, how many years would it take to walk the circumference of the earth at an average speed of 2.5 miles per hour, etc.), an old man came out of Johnny Rockets and decided to get in on the action. Without even saying hi or nothing, he comes over and in his retarded Georgia accent is all like “Do you know how many gallons of water it take to fill an acre of land?” I was like “Whahht?” then Bobby was like “Gus Witherspoon here is asking us how many gallons of water it takes to fill an acre of land.” The old man was like, “Now son, I don’t know who this Gus Witherspoon is but my name is Ron.” Then Joey was like, “No, you’re Gus. We call you Gus Witherspoon because you remind us of the diabetes guy from Our House.” I was like, “What kind of stupid question is that about how many gallons of water it takes to fill an acre of land? I mean you can’t even give a definite answer for that with all the variables involved. That shit’s gonna depend on the chemical make-up of the soil, how porous it is, and all sorts of other stuff. Shit, even the outside air temperature is gonna affect it.” Gus was then like, “What I meant to ask was how many gallons of water does it take to fill an acre of land one inch deep.” I was like, “So with no absorption” and he was like, “Yeah.” Bobby was like, “Well considering an acre is 43,560 square feet and a gallon is 231 cubic inches, doing the conversion then dividing you get roughly 27,154 gallons.” Gus was like, “I reckon you’d be exactly correct son.”
Anyway, I was like, “Who cares old man, that’s a stupid question! We like trading fascinating facts and some shit about gallons of water on an acre of land definitely ain’t fascinating.” He was like, “Well I was only try’na – ”. I cut him off with a punch to the gut. He keeled over and Mikey kicked him right in the nuts then Bobby punched him in the face and knocked him down. Just then this little girl came out of Johnny Rockets and was like, “What are you doing to my granddaddy?!” I was like “Shut-up little girl” then we all started kicking and stomping Gus as he curled up on the ground trying to protect his face and balls. She tried to stop us but Mikey grabbed her and held her back as me, Bobby, and Joey continued to kick the old bastard. The little girl was like, “Please stop! You’re hurting him!” I gotta admit she was pretty fine for her age, even though she also had a retarded Georgia accent. She was probably twelve or thirteen but already had tits. I totally would have hooked up with her but I get real sleepy after I blow a load and we had a long drive ahead of us, not to mention how fucked up I was from all the beer and Jäger Meister.
Anyway, when our legs eventually got tired we whipped out our dicks and pissed all over Gus who was all wheezing and clutching his chest and shit. Mikey let go of the little girl and we took off. As we walked away we could hear her screaming, “Granddaddy! Granddaddy! No granddaddy! Where are your pills granddaddy?! Oh God! Someone please help my grandfather!” It was wicked funny.
Anyway, pulling out of the parking garage, I accidentally plowed into some jackass who was crossing the street. Fortunately no one saw us. I was a bit worried about what damage I might have done to the car but I didn’t really want to pull over and check until we at least got across the state line. At first I was really freaked out by the dent in the plastic bumper but Bobby reached under it and popped it right out. No permanent damage or nothing. After a little soap and water to clean it up, it was like new again.
Anyway, all and all it was quite an interesting night. Maybe next time we can actually see the game. As the Ricans say though, “que sera sera.”