Da Real Office

EPISTAXIS!

(originally published on Xanga August 30, 2010)

It all begins in the bathroom where I am standing in front of the sink holding a paper towel to my nose, hoping the platelets will kick in soon. At first I feel pretty lucky as I am the only one here and don’t have to explain. I really hate explaining. It’s a nose, it’s bleeding, and it’s not yours so shut the fuck up and stop interrogating me about it! Anyway, I’m of course not alone for very long. The door opens and in pops MrGuyIDon’tKnowButAlwaysSeeInTheToilet (MGIDKBASITT). Fuck! Here it comes.

MGIDKBASITT: Whatta ya got a bloody nose or something?

ME: Yes.

MGIDKBASITT: You gonna be okay?

ME: Yes, it’s just a nosebleed. It happens all the time.

MGIDKBASITT: You might want to get that looked at, you know, by a doctor. Maybe they can cauterize you or something.

ME: Yeah, maybe.

I exit the restroom muttering “asshole” under my breath. As I make my way back to my office, nose pinched through a paper towel, I can see heads turn and eyes looking up at me. I am then asked repeatedly if I have a bloody nose (one would think it fairly obvious that I do). After directly answering the first few people, I decide it’s easier to just provide a pre-solicited response to everyone I pass.

ME: Just a nosebleed people, I’ll be fine. Yup, nose is bleeding. Yes, I’m okay.  No need to inquire further. Very busy, got to get back to work.

When I get to my office, I close the door and take a seat in front of my computer, applying enhanced pressure in the hope that clots will soon form and I can be done talking about my goddamn nose. At that point, MsThinksShe’sMyFuckingMother (MTSMFM) simultaneously knocks on my door and opens it (which kind of defeats the purpose of both knocking and having a door).

MTSMFM: What’s wrong with your nose?

ME: It’s bleeding.

MTSMFM: That’s not good. You should go down to Health Services and get it checked out.

ME: I don’t need to go to Health Services, it’s just a nosebleed.

MTSMFM: Well why do you have a nosebleed?

ME: I don’t know, I just do.

MTSMFM: A nose doesn’t just start bleeding on its own. There must be a reason. It could be high blood pressure.

ME: It’s not high blood pressure. My blood pressure is perfect.

MTSMFM: How do you know? When’s the last time you had it checked?

ME: I don’t know, a few months ago.

MTSMFM: Well you should have it checked again. You might need to go on Acupril.

ME: I don’t need to go on Acupril.

MTSMFM: Well you don’t want to have a heart attack, not at your young age.

ME: I’m not gonna have a heart attack.

MTSMFM: You can also have a stroke if you have high blood pressure. My ant Mary had a stroke, a bad one. She ended up going blind and was paralyzed on one side of her body. She couldn’t wipe herself or anything when she went to the bathroom and she used to wet herself all the time. It was awful. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.

ME: I’m not going to have a stroke. I told you my blood pressure is fine.

MTSMFM: How often do you get a bloody nose?

ME: I don’t know, a few times a week lately.

MTSMFM: How many’s a few? Two? Three? Ten?

ME: Probably four or five.

MTSMFM: That’s more than a few my friend. That’s definitely a red flag that you should go see a doctor.

ME: I’m fine, I don’t need to see a doctor. It’s probably allergies. It’s ragweed season and I been sneezing and itching a lot in my nose.

MTSMFM: Are you taking an antihistamine? It might be that too. They can dry your nose out.

ME: Yeah, I’ve been taking Claritin.

MTSMFM: Claritin doesn’t really dry out your nose. I was thinking more Benadryl or Chlor-Trimeton.

ME: I’m not taking those.

MTSMFM: I think Benadryl works the best but it makes you really sleepy. I take one and I’m out cold for the next twelve hours. Claritin doesn’t do anything for me. I have some Benadryl at my desk. Why don’t you take one?

ME: You just told me it’ll make my nose bleed and put me to sleep.

MTSMFM: Well your nose is already bleeding and we can get you a Red Bull to keep you awake.

ME: I don’t drink Red Bull. It gives me heartburn.

MTSMFM: Wow, you’re in rough shape kiddo, between the GERD and the bloody noses.

ME: It’s not GERD, just heartburn and I don’t get it if I don’t drink Red Bull.

MTSMFM: Whatever you say but you really should get checked out by a doctor. Do you have a primary care physician?

ME: Not since moving here. I’ve been using Patient’s First.

MTSMFM: Skanlyn, this is your health we’re talking about. You really should have your own doctor, someone who knows you and who you can get an appointment with when you need him.

ME: I don’t need an appointment at Patient’s First. I just walk in and a doctor sees me.

MTSMFM: Yeah but that’s so impersonal. Wouldn’t you rather see the same person every time?

ME: Don’t matter to me. Patient’s First is quick and easy and I hardly ever get sick.

MTSMFM: Yeah,  hardly ever sick, you’re just sitting here with blood gushing out of your nose .

ME: A nose bleed isn’t sick. It’s just a nose bleed.

MTSMFM: My husband’s doctor is great. You should go see him.

ME: No thanks, I’m good.

MTSMFM: No, you really need to make an appointment. I’ll get you the number.

She leaves briefly then returns with a post-it note containing contact information for her husband’s physician.

ME: Thank you.

MTSMFM: Are you gonna call?

ME: Yes, I’ll call

MTSMFM: When.

ME: Later.

MTSMFM When later?

ME: I don’t know sometime this afternoon.

MTSMFM: Why don’t you call now?

ME: I’m busy.

MTSMFM: In the time we’ve been talking about it you could have been making an appointment.

ME: Well now that time’s gone so it’ll have to be later.

MTSMFM: You better call mister. You know I’m gonna keep hounding you until you do.

ME: I said I would.

MTSMFM: Promise?

At this point you are probably wondering why I don’t hit this annoying bitch over the head with my stapler. Truth be told, I’ve kind of got the hots for her and don’t actually want her to leave my office. Yeah, go figure. It surprises me more than anyone. She’s not what I traditionally find attractive but I had a sex dream about her a year or so ago and since then my brain has been flooded with lustful thoughts of her moist lips on my neck and her pretty manicured nails scratching across my naked skin. They’re painted some color between pink and light violet today which goes really nice with her skin tone and makes her fingers look most suckable. Her hair smells really good too, even with one nostril pinched shut. In my mind I lean in to inhale its fragrance and we start kissing. The thought of making love to her right here and now on my desk tempts me but I can’t help but think how she wouldn’t shut up the whole time, babbling on incessantly about antihistamines and family members who can’t wipe their own ass and piss themselves all day because they didn’t have a primary care physician to give them Acupril so they wouldn’t have a fucking stroke.

Meh, I’d still do her.

I un-pinch my nose.

MTSMFM: Did it stop bleeding?

ME: I think so.

I dab my nostril with a clean part of the paper towel and there’s no blood.

MTSMFM: You better go clean yourself up, you’re a mess. You look like you been punched right in the kisser.

ME: Wouldn’t my mouth be bloody if I were punched in the kisser?

MTSMFM: Um, I don’t know. Maybe you’re an Eskimo.

ME: Huh?

MTSMFM: Well you know, they kiss by rubbing their noses.

ME: Oh, I get it.

MTSMFM: Whenever I think of Eskimos I think of that old song [singing] “Come on without, come on within, you’ve not seen nothing like the Mighty Quinn”.

ME: That’s funny, I think of Nanook.

MTSMFM: Yeah, that’s probably a better name for an Eskimo. Quinn is too Irish. Maybe if it were “Quinn the Leprechaun” instead of “Quinn the Eskimo”.

ME: Yeah, maybe.

Just then GuyWhoCallsEveryoneChief (GWCEC) sticks his head in the door and asks what’s wrong with my nose.

ME: Your mama’s on the rag.

GWCEC: [looking confused] What?

Fucking idiot.


3 Comments

haha. now charm your way into her heart and…you know. for best results, make sure she thinks you called her husband’s doctor first.

Posted 8/30/2010 at 8:25 PM by complicatedlight

u have some seriously inquisitive co-workers!

Posted 8/31/2010 at 5:0 AM by phillyista

LMAO My coworkers are like that as well. My go to for nose bleeds is “Don’t worry, I just snorted too much coke last night.”

Posted 9/3/2010 at 5:20 PM by TheDarkCreature

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