Chilean Miners

Rescued Workers Praise Allah, Pledge Death to America, Israel

(originally published on Xanga October 13, 2010)

SAN JOSE MINE, CHILE – Trapped more than 2,000 feet below the earth’s surface for sixty nine days, Chilean miners stayed strong by converting to Islam and putting their faith in Allah.

“I have no doubt that ar-Rahim spared us so that we may carry out a divine mission on his behalf,” said Jorge Sanchez, 39, one of the first miners to reach the surface. When asked what he thought that mission might be, he stated “death to the Great Satan and destruction of the Zionist regime.”

Fellow miner Antonio Morales then railed against American imperialism, blaspheming of the prophet Muhammad, and opposition to the Ground Zero mosque, just a few of the many offenses that have enraged Allah according to the twenty four year old native of Copiapó. “And let us not forget the continued occupation of Palestinian lands by the illegitimate Jewish state,” he reminded reporters.

Sanchez, Morales, and their coworkers called for suicide bombings in Israel and expressed a desire to obtain one or more dirty bombs to attack such Jew-infested cities as New York, Miami, and Philadelphia. They then called the holocaust “history’s greatest lie” and encouraged fellow Chileans to embrace the religion of peace and martyr themselves at the site of Jewish temples and synagogues. Sanchez also stated that he wished to travel to the United States to have sexual relations with the little girl from Kick Ass then stone the child for adultery. He said he also hoped to coordinate terrorist attacks against the nation’s public transit systems while there.

Praising their bravery and calling their resolve “inspirational”, President Obama this evening extended a White House invitation to all thirty three of the rescued miners. “Let us be tolerant of their new found faith,” said the President, “I, as both an African American and a Muslim, am all too familiar with the oppression our nation has brought upon citizens of the world both here and abroad. While I do not condone the acts of violence that are committed daily in the name of my faith, my sympathies do lie deep with those who have been forced into desperation by the arrogant foreign policy of prior administrations.” Mr. Obama ended his remarks with his standard closing of “Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah”.


28 Comments

you are one sick fuck. i think i have to call off the treaty. you sholdn’t b making light of those poor minors and their situation…and to take our great Nation’s name in vain, and make blasphemous remarks about Our Lord and Savior.it’s just sickening. i hope u get taught a lesson. i honestly thought there was some good in you… i guess i was wrong

Posted 10/14/2010 at 12:7 AM by phillyista

@phillyista – Hey man, I’m just reporting the facts.

Posted 10/14/2010 at 12:33 AM by SKANLYN

@phillyista – Well, only one way to prove dat shit.

Posted 10/14/2010 at 1:5 AM by SKANLYN

@phillyista – he thinks you’re a guy too. 

Posted 10/14/2010 at 12:44 AM by Gaijinsays

@Gaijinsays – i know right…i should say to him i am a fucking girl you silly sob!

Posted 10/14/2010 at 12:56 AM by phillyista

@SKANLYN – in your dreams!

Posted 10/14/2010 at 5:36 AM by phillyista

So… I think it’s obviously satirical and mildly funny.

Posted 10/15/2010 at 8:3 PM by pewterrose

@LoBornlytesThoughtPalace – awe Charlie, everyone is love with you…who can resist a hot Asian woman?

Posted 10/15/2010 at 8:0 PM by macphoto

wtf? This is sick sick genius! lol

Posted 10/14/2010 at 9:45 AM by ShamelesslyRed

@phillyista – He needs a good pistol whipping!

Posted 10/14/2010 at 5:48 PM by LoBornlytesThoughtPalace

Now look what you’ve what you done! You’ve gone and upset all the ladies!

Posted 10/14/2010 at 5:49 PM by LoBornlytesThoughtPalace

@phillyista – I don’t care about his satisfaction. I care about mine. That’s why he’s in love with me.

Posted 10/14/2010 at 5:57 PM by LoBornlytesThoughtPalace

@LoBornlytesThoughtPalace – have at him!

Posted 10/14/2010 at 6:0 PM by phillyista

@LoBornlytesThoughtPalace – i am quite certain he’d enjoy that too much…i wouldn’t want to give him the satisfacation

Posted 10/14/2010 at 5:50 PM by phillyista

@LoBornlytesThoughtPalace – You sound like the reincarnation of Emma Peel.

Posted 10/15/2010 at 8:23 PM by soccerdadforlife

What crap website did you get this story from? The onion?

Posted 10/22/2010 at 4:21 PM by deathtothenewworldorder

@SKANLYN – Your insults make me stronger.

Posted 10/22/2010 at 6:30 PM by deathtothenewworldorder

@LoBornlytesThoughtPalace – I disagree.

Posted 10/16/2010 at 4:51 PM by WhenHateIsTheOnlyOption

What’s up with chicks with half a face?

Posted 10/15/2010 at 8:5 PM by WhenHateIsTheOnlyOption

@deathtothenewworldorder – Your mom’s juices do the same for me, kinda like when Popeye eats spinach.

Posted 10/22/2010 at 9:4 PM by SKANLYN

@deathtothenewworldorder – It was tattooed on your mom’s pubis. I transcribed it to my blog after I finished eating her box.

Posted 10/22/2010 at 6:23 PM by SKANLYN

You should apply to write for

The Onion.

Posted 10/20/2010 at 2:41 AM by Diva_Jyoti
rolls eyes  
Posted 11/25/2010 at 4:1 PM by Diva_Jyoti

@WhenHateIsTheOnlyOption – Half a face is better than a single eye ball.

Posted 10/15/2010 at 10:35 PM by LoBornlytesThoughtPalace

This is delightfully filled with lulz.

Posted 11/5/2010 at 1:44 PM by SuckADeadDogsNose

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