Introducing Mz. Hate
Well it’s 2015 and I’m not feeling any more motivated than I felt in 2014. I’ve got lots of posts in my head at the moment but I’m too damn lazy to turn any of them into posts on my page. Still, I really want to write something – just something that won’t require the energy and effort that I usually put into my posts. And so I’ve decided to enlist the help of world renowned psycho-bitch Mz. Hate, a perpetually angry 59 year old divorcee hailing from Quincy, Massachusetts. A bitter old lady from the moment her mom shit her from the womb, Mz. Hate spends her days venomously ranting and raving about how much everything sucks and how everybody is a fucking asshole. In my writer’s lethargy I thought it might make for an easy and fun series of posts if I were to present a selection of topics to her and transcribe her reactions to them. Today we talk to her about New Year’s.
Happy New Year to you Mz. Hate.
What’s so farkin’ happy about it? It’s freezin’ farkin’ cold, there’s crime everywhere – did ya hear about those two cops that were killed in New Yawk? Then we got that arsehole Putin over there in Russia tryna stahrt anutha Cold Waw and that shithead over there in Nawth Korea, Kim John-whatever-the-fark-his-name-is. I tell you, the whole world has gone to the shittah and it ain’t gonna change anytime soon! Not as long as we got that gawdamn black in the White House anyway. Ha! Tell me that ain’t irony! I remember when them people weren’t even allowed to use our watah foun’ins. Now we got one of them as our Commander-in-Farkin’-Chief. My great, great grandfather must be rollin’ over in his farkin’ grave! You know, he actually moved to Virginia during the Civil War to fight for the Confederate Army. If only more young men his age would have done the same, maybe we wouldn’t be cursed with this black devil running the country now.
Um, well okay. So did you partake in any of the First Night festivities? Having lived up there in the Boston area for a few years I know they put on quite a celebration.
Are you shittin’ me? Me – stand out there in the cold with those farkin’ arseholes waiting faw them to count down to midnight? You gotta be outta yaw gawddamn mind. And all those animals out there, drinkin’, gettin’ drunk, pushin’ and shovin’ and blowin’ those gawdamn noisemakers. And then there’s the fireworks! So farking loud! I don’t even like them on the Fourth of Farking July. What would make me wanna go see them when it’s cold out? And then those stupid 2015 sunglassses. What kind of farkin’ arsehole would wear sunglasses at night?
Huh? What the fark are you sayin’?
Oh, nothing. He was a singer back in the 80’s who had a popular song about wearing his sunglasses at night .They used to play the video on MTV all the time.
MTV – I tell ya, that’s what ruined this country. The kids started watchin’ those videos and next thing you know they all got the crazy hair and the boys are wearing earrings and the girls all wanna be sluts like that Madonna. Whatever happened to her anyway?
She’s still around. Puts out a record every few years.
I woulda figured she died of AIDS a long time ago, that farkin’ whore! The trash kids like today! In my day we had wholesome singers like Perry Como and we watched Lawrence Welk every Saturday night.
Yeah, I guess those were the days. So any News Year’s resolutions?
Yeah, to get the fark outta Quincy. There’s too many gawddamn blacks here. It’s starting to become like Dawchestah. I’d really like to move up to New Hampsha. They ain’t got no blacks up there. It must be like Heaven on farkin’ earth.
Not much into the diversity I see.
I don’t mind the Orientals. I mean I wouldn’t want them living next door to me or nuthin’ but their kids are at least well behaved and they do such a good job with my nails. And if you ever need to take your clothes to the cleanahs – so convenient. They’re always open! Don’t matter if it’s six am or ten at night or Christmas day them people are always workin’. Nuthin’ like those blacks and Puerto Ricans. I just don’t like their food. I remember my sistah once got me to try that pork fried rice of theirs. I got so sick. I was pukin’and shittin’ faw days. Not very good in the kitchen. Very dirty people. I don’t think they wash their hands much, it’s part of their culture or something. They’re nice but dirty.
I see. So any words of wisdom for my reader’s this New Year’s?
Men, cut yaw damn hair and shave your gawdamn faces. How do you expect to attract a decent woman if you look like the bearded farkin’ lady from the circus. And faw gawd’s sakes, put on a suit and a tie when you go out in public. You look like a bum with the faded dungarees and the t-shirts.
Women, lower those farkin’ skirts and cover your boobs and stop puttin’ on so much gawdamn make-up. No respectable guy wants to be seen with someone who looks like a hooka. And stop spreading yaw legs faw every Tom, Dick, and Harry. A man ain’t gonna marry a cow if she’s giving everyone milk faw free.
Words of wisdom indeed. Thank you Mz. Hate and Happy New Year.
Oh go fark yourself. I’m late for BINGO.